The Well-Prepared Traveler's American-Israeli Lexicon

I'm pretty resigned to the fact that my Hebrew is not going to improve much beyond the smattering of words I picked up in week one (sorry! good night! whole wheat!). Given that even this modest improvement increased my non-religious vocabulary by an astonishing 1000 percent, and that it took me three weeks to memorize "Sorry, I don't speak Hebrew," and that since then I haven't used that phrase once, I'm not only resigned to, but completely at peace with this situation.

My roommate's Israeli boyfriend, however, is not at peace with this situation, and continues to put me in my place by asking me hard questions like "Ma kore?" (how are you?--just learned that one five minutes ago) and then, in response to my look of confusion, following up with, "Haven't you learned any Hebrew yet?" No, but give me a minute and I'll know how to say "fuck off." I find his attitude ironic, as half of my confusion is that I can't tell if he's speaking Hebrew to me or English with his impenetrably thick accent. While I don't throw stones from my glass house at his glass house while our glass houses are in the same room, in part because I'm not wearing shoes, from the comfortable distance of the Interwebs it's bombs-away. In fact, reveling in my awesome English fluency has long been a coping mechanism for me in foreign countries. I may not speak your tricky tongue, but man, I am a beast at English. Henry Higgins could make you his science-fair project, Yuval, and you still wouldn't be as completely, totally, awesomely fluent in English as I am.

Nevertheless, my English-speaking superpower doesn't stop me from losing a few things in translation when talking to English-speaking Israelis, even the ones I can understand. The locals and I may be speaking the same language (well, sometimes), but we are not always saying the same thing. What follows are a few English phrases that, when spoken by Israelis in certain contexts, may not strictly comport with the content of dictionary.com. I have suggested alternative potential translations in parentheses.

The New American-Israeli Lexicon

Are you Jewish? (Do you belong here [at this table/at this government job/in Jerusalem/in this country]?)

Are you religious? (Can we be friends?)

Have you been to Tel Aviv? (Oh good, you're secular. Man, doesn't Jerusalem just blow?)

Are you doing ulpan? (When [are you making/did you make] aliyah? Also, I have ignored what you said about not speaking Hebrew.)

What are your plans for Shabbat? (Come over to my apartment. Bring wine.)

My address is [number + street name] (My apartment building is unplottable, like Hogwarts. Even if you can find it on Google maps, you won't be able to get there, because this city is actually the Labyrinth designed to keep the virgins in until they are devoured by the Minotaur. Even if you manage to find my street, you will not be able to see my building, because you are a Muggle, not an Israeli. My building will be set back deep within a courtyard, hidden by high stone walls, in a maze of other buildings, identical to every other structure on the street. There will be some openings in the walls, but only a random selection of them will be labeled with street numbers, and the one that leads to my building surely will not be. Nor will the building itself be numbered. There will be some staircases, but it will not be clear where they lead, if they are indoors or outdoors, or if they are functional or merely decorative. There may be streetlamps, but they will not save you. No one can save you. See you at 9.)

Jerusalem really shuts down over Shabbat. (Lay in your food stores. If you don't have something to eat that doesn't require heating up, YOU WILL STARVE. Don't let the Minotaur find you in a weakened state.)

Israelis are really blunt. (Israelis are really blunt.)

I don't have your ID card right now, but come back tomorrow, and it will be ready. (I am Lucy. You are Charlie Brown. Your ID card is the football. You will never get an ID card. Each time you return to me I will tell you to come back at another specific time at an even more distant point in the future. Eventually I will call you and demand that you return the ID card that you were never issued, because this office is actually part of the Ministry of Truth. Don't look at me like that. Come back tomorrow, and your transportation reimbursement will be ready.)

This movie has English subtitles. (This movie does not have English subtitles.)

Maybe it's time to start brushing up my Hebrew after all.